Our loony protesters are among the looniest

Around 100 assembled in Melbourne and less in Sydney. Not big numbers but what they lacked in people power they more than made up for in lip-quivering paranoia.

It was proof that our crackpots are just as deluded, just as bonce-scratchingly demented, just as howl at the moon crazy as you’ll find anywhere in the world.

And what’s more, save the military hardware, our local fruitcakes have shown they can give the Americans a run for the money.

The local boys’ and girls’ work did not go unnoticed around the globe.

Never Trump Republican, David Frum, the man who coined the Bushian phrase, ‘the axis of evil’, watched our boys and girls gather and trash-tweeted, “Shouldn’t Australian “anti-globalists” invent their own domestic lunatic theories, rather than importing cheap foreign-made lunatic theories from the United States?”

Shouldn’t Australian “anti-globalists” invent their own domestic lunatic theories, rather than importing cheap foreign-made lunatic theories from the United States?

As if the Americans have a monopoly on crazy. Frum, the self-appointed leader of the terminally Trump deranged is not even American. He’s a Canadian. From Canadia.

We probably won’t have the Olympics this year and in times of pandemic our only source of national pride may well be a contest between our idiots and idiots elsewhere. On paper, I think we’re a seriously good silver medal chance and if we can get to the final, well, you never know.

On Saturday, protesters in Raleigh, North Carolina gathered collectively toting the sort of arsenal that might have brought about a different outcome to the Civil War.

Even crazed militia men need snacks and so a number of them were photographed carrying .50 calibre machine guns, bazookas and various light automatic side-arms while ordering meatball foot longs at the downtown Subway.

A group of about 11 mostly-armed demonstrators protesting the stay at home order marched around downtown Raleigh and ordered sandwiches at a Subway.

As far as we can tell they didn’t move on to JC Penney to purchase something nice for their moms on Mother’s Day. Perhaps that was intentional. I mean, what better way to say “I love you, Mom” than presenting her with an AGM-114 shoulder-fired anti-tank missile launcher with long-wave infrared seeker and a lovely pink bow wrapped around it?

Not to be outdone, our local lunatics proudly stepped up on Sunday for a shot at the prize in the fervent belief that a bit of inconvenience is a crippling blow to their hard-won freedoms that they’ve devoted their lives to not fighting for.

Were they protesting 5G, a radio frequency that they believe is nothing more than an exercise in thought control? Was it a shout out from the anti-vaxxer movement?

The answer in short is a little from Column A, a little from Column B and a lot from Column D. D for deranged.

In Melbourne, the high point of the afternoon was the sonorous chant of “Arrest Bill Gates” who wasn’t in Melbourne at the time.

Look, if Bill Gates is to be incarcerated it should be for Windows 8. I still remember having to load 21 disks to upgrade to Windows 95. That took several hours. Lock him up. Lock him up.

But no, it was not about that.

Our local nutters believe Gates who via his philanthropic organisation, the Gates Foundation promotes the use of vaccination to prevent kiddies dying of preventable diseases like polio and measles, is actually injecting them and then us with nano chips that will control us all into … buying MS Word or something.

The theory goes that a vaccine for the virus SARS-CoV-2 will be developed and injected into the world’s population.

You see, the pandemic is a myth, a lie and all those dead people have not died of acute viral pneumonia or heart failure but have been sent off for some frontier justice because they knew too much. It’s just a vehicle for injecting us with nano chips and Bill Gates is the grinning face of evil thought control.

But for me the great moment came when one of the protesters, a woman somewhere in her middle ages, held aloft a poster she had obviously made at home and which contained a comprehensive list of kooky conspiracy theories that are all profoundly whacko with the exception of the Lucifer Telescope which is eating our brains while we sleep. Wake up, sheeple!

The poster was an entry point so that the rest of us could have a better understanding of what it is she and her comrades are babbling crazily about.

I have descended into the darkest corners of the Zuckerberg Empire to find out so you don’t have to, and have probably been put on an AFP watch list for my trouble.

A quick look at the poster tells us that the proud owner who went to a lot of trouble and made some mistakes only to have run out of blue stencils, is a little confused about how hashtags work. You can’t ink them on to a sheet of cardboard and expect something will happen. In a way it has been effective because we’re publishing the photograph of the poster, so it is getting larger coverage than it would otherwise. But as a rule, writing down a hashtag on a piece of paper is a dismal tool in mass communication.

The conspiracy theories are heavy on pedophilia (Fiona Barnett) and one world government (QAnon). The CIA does a roaring trade in child trafficking. Former Nazis, most of whom would be a bit doddery by now, have formed a group known as the Ninth Circle Satanic Child Sacrifice Cult with the impressively evil acronym of NCSCSC and shop children around at the highest levels of government in Australia (Vral Society).

Adrenochrome, a powerful narcotic first mentioned in Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, is now a plaything of the Hollywood elite who grind up murdered children into a fine powder and snort them up their left nostrils.

There are a couple of oldies but goodies on the list, including Mk-Ultra where the CIA fed people LSD and made them do terrible things including assassinations and torture. But hey, free acid, right? And Operation PaperClip where German nuclear scientists were allocated between the first and second worlds thus ensuring superpower conflict was limited by the principle of mutually assured destruction which is bad for some reason.

And just because you should know, the Lucifer Telescope is a Vatican inspired one world government surrender to our alien overlords from beyond the moon, some of whom walk among us as lizards.

HM Elizabeth II, lizard. The Rothschilds, lizards. The Pope? You’d better believe he’s a giant lizard. According to the protesters, the rich and powerful are almost all lizards and those who aren’t lizards are in the thrall of the lizards but aren’t letting on about the lizards.

Why can’t we see the giant lizards or at least notice their long tails? We can put that down to impressive costuming and make up, apparently.

Two weeks back, in another seamy nook of the Zuckerberg website, another local protest group took to filming themselves smashing their tellies because we evil folk at the MSM had been lying to them again.

Twenty years ago, when you hit a cathode ray tube television with a sledgehammer, it was a deeply satisfying experience. The whole thing imploded. There was a lot of noise, some pretty colours and a gratifying spray of debris. Wind up and smash a plasma or LED screen TV now and there is a disappointing amount of damage. The screen cracks. A bit. There is no explosion.

Our local protesters seemed unaware of this before commencing their call to arms. This only seemed to enrage them further and afterwards they were filmed dragging their cracked television screens around by tow rope to the backs of their cars or fired at the cracked screens with shotguns which presumably they have licences to own although probably not to discharge in public otherwise the lizards would be all over them.

I have to say the TVs looked a bit old, to be honest, and the good Samsungs are probably still sitting in the living room.

Other than an exercise in wanton self-destruction it provided further proof that pound for pound Australia’s loons are among the looniest in the world.

So, what is to be done? Let’s cheer them on. Also, I think they need to be injected with nano tracking devices so we can keep an eye on them.

Over to you, Bill.

This column was first published in The Australian on 13 May, 2020.