Humble servant of the Nation

It ain’t Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France, folks

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What’s the difference between South African, Indian, English and Australian cricket?

When a South African player, Faf du Plessis, gets nicked for ball tampering (twice) he is made captain. When Sachin Tendulkar does it he remains a demigod. England’s Mike Atherton became a few thousand quid poorer. In Australia we assemble an ugly mob who bay for the blood of our cricketers and get to work with the four-by-two and a packet of roofing nails.

These distinctions offer an unusual look at national identity. Put succinctly, Australians lost their minds and their judgment over a piece of tape, some pitch dirt and a cricket ball.

I’m not sure I would refer to what happened at Cape Town between 2.00pm and 2.42pm local time as cheating. It’s an unhelpful term given approximately 99 per cent of Australians don’t understand the vagaries of reverse swing and how a cricket ball tampered with or not may suddenly start swinging around corners or stubbornly refuse to shift one millimetre off its trajectory.

It was not cheating by any legal definition. Broadly speaking, common law defines cheating as a contrived act set to deny people of proprietary rights. In Australia, where criminal law refers to cheating, it usually falls into the category of obtaining financial benefit by an act of deception. In the UK, where laws for cheating on the sporting field were brought in recently and used in the prosecution of Pakistan cricketers, Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif, Smith and Co.’s actions would not, by definition, rouse the interest of the plod.

When madness abounds, it is sensible to return to some measure of sanity by using the terms the rules stipulate. It was a code violation grade two (of four with four being the most serious).

Full column here.

451 Comments

  • bassman says:

    Souths souths souths rise from the dead on Good Friday…Dogz erred badly in not taking the two when right in front with a few minutes to go…it Aaron Wood have been golden point.

  • Penny says:

    Of all the screaming headlines and outrage, dare I say I did like what Clementine Ford had to say in the SMH….I know, I know it’s Clementine Ford for all of you about to jump down my throat, but I thought her points were valid……particularly about Wayne Carey. I still have to change channels when he comes on to my television screen.

    We need to settle down and leave comments to those who actually do know what they are talking about.

  • The Bow-Legged Swantoon says:

    The annual vermin-tide of tourists has invaded our quiet little town. I remain baffled by the spectacle of people fleeing the huge crowds and endless lines of traffic in the city to come up to the bush and . . . hang around in huge crowds and drive in endless lines of traffic. Truly one of nature’s mysteries . . .

    Happy Festival of Zombie Jesus, everyone!

    • Boadicea says:

      Hopefully they’ve left our shores for a while, TBLS. You can have ’em. Last floating people mover of the season left yesterday. Cooler weather should sort out the rest in a couple of weeks.
      Although we have a cruise ship coming in for the mid-Winter feast. Bah humbug. Hope they have a really rough ride across Bass Strait. 🙁
      Big change this year was our discovery by the Chinese.
      Daylight saving ends today. Roll on winter!

      • The Bow-Legged Swantoon says:

        Yeah, different crowd I think.

        I shouldn’t whinge too much. The town couldn’t survive without tourism; it brings a lot of private and public money that otherwise wouldn’t come this way. It’s just nice when the last four-wheel-drive roars up the hill at the end of the weekend and we get our rural idyll back.

    • Boadicea says:

      We are going through it here – BIG TIME – developers eventually destroy what people came to enjoy…….

  • Milton says:

    Happy Easter, Jack and fellow Jackobites. Hope everyone has a safe and relaxing time.
    ps. No need to look at the ladder, Tracy and Trivalve it’s a religious festival.

    • Uncle Quentin says:

      Stayed home as always. Quiet day, only heard one lawn mower and something that could be a either a drone or whipper snipper. Smoked Cod poached in milk with butter bay leaves (from the tree in the backyard with mashed spuds for dinner. The war office did a loaf of bread 1/2 white 1/2 half whole meal for lunch. About 1/8 of the loaf left as of writing. Hope your day was as good as ours…

      • Milton says:

        So far so good, UQ. We had the mother in law over and I cooked fried barra with capers, wine and butter, baby potatoes and asparagus. Late afternoon we grazed on prawns. We also have a bay tree in the backyard and I prune it constantly as they can get big. I’ll have to try that smoked cod one day as it has not been part of our easter history.

        • Lou oTOD says:

          Thats either very extravagent, or a mother in law joke Milton. Come to your senses next time man, with a menu like that invite me and at least you’ll get a decent wine to wash it down.

          We did one better tonight, went to our Malaysian friends via invite, with her birthday being tomorrow, yep April Fools Day. She cooked and I recovered from a hard day on the golf course!

          Happy Easter Jack and all here, may your eggs be chocolate and not unexpected.

      • Razor says:

        Happy Easter UQ. Sounds like a great meal! The Razor’s had the troops and other halves over with battered read throat emperor and home made chips. Chips cooked in superfry. None of that vegetable oil tasting crap for us!

      • Dwight says:

        One of my neighbors started yesterday with his leaf blower. Now I hear a chain saw!

  • Trivalve says:

    Painting some outdoor furniture today (yay). Beats church. Realised that without any attempt at irony I am wearing a cricket shirt and spending the day sanding.

  • Wissendorf says:

    Now Boof has gone too. Cricket Australia will emerge from this with its reputation for opaque stupidity unsullied. The financial penalties imposed and yet to come are higher than some penalties for for really serious crime. After the ICC had already ruled on the penalty, I am rueful that CA have delivered a second round of penalties for the same crime, to basically to save their own arses. While there’s a mood for sacking idiots, CA should sack themselves. Mob rule is raging through cricket. I agree with BASSMAN that CA and the ICC have never done diddlysquat about sledging, and that this entire imbroglio is an extension of that. I have never agreed with sledging, and for mine, it should have been stamped out a generation ago. Cricket, internationally and locally, is administered by handsitting cowards.

    I wish all bloggerazzi a safe and relaxing Easter. Mine started poorly when I remembered I hadn’t put my footy tips in, but discovered when I rushed to put them in, that the ocean side of Fraser Island is out of range for my Telstra mobile. I had to drive back to the bay side of the island to use it. The rain has kept a lot of people home and I have the pick of campsites. Bream and dart are swarming, and I’ve spotted several turtles near the beach this morning, and several pods of dolphins cruising the shallows hunting baitfish near Breaksea Spit. Doesn’t get better than this. Looking forward to 2 relaxing weeks out here.

    Carlton a hot prospect against the Suns Jack, and after last week’s lucky escape over the D’s, the Cats will rise to the occasion and squash the Hawks with the casual ease and aplomb of a road roller. Cowboys fans can’t be happy with their record so far this year, now 0 from 3. Thurston is showing his age, and is not having the impact he had in previous years.

    • Jack The Insider says:

      Yes it is the sort of game Carlton needs to win, Wiss.

    • jack says:

      don’t pat the dogs mate

    • The Outsider says:

      Wiss, while camping on Fraser many years ago, I discovered why there are 24 hours in a day – it’s because there are 24 cans in a slab of XXXX.

      Anyway, even though my fellow campers were into the tailor, I couldn’t even catch a lowly dart.

      • Razor says:

        Tailor are overrated anyway TO. Flesh goes to mush and you can’t freeze them. I can confirm there are 24 cans in a slab of XXXX.

        • Milton says:

          30 cans, 24 stubbies, 12 longnecks, mate! I find numbers a disagreeably abstract concept after a few. happy easter.

          • The Outsider says:

            Milton – thanks for the correction. It’s been a while since I’ve had to endure XXXX. I like Hoegaarden in the summer and Guinness any time.

            Razor – agree re tailor. It’s not my favourite fish to eat, either. My camping mates thought they were the duck’s nuts, though.

      • Wissendorf says:

        They’re wriggling up the beach into the creel atm. Plenty of hungry bream and dart with size about them, and excellent flounder. Blue crabs in numbers any time I throw the dilly in. Speared six flounder last night and put 5 straight into the smoker. Had the other one for breakfast, cooked in butter, lime juice, white wine and chilli. Fishing below the lighthouse in the calm water behind the Spit. It’s like a natural fish trap.

        • Razor says:

          Must have done a fair bit of driving to get to Sandy Cape. Another tip is you don’t spear flounder in Qld as ‘sole’ do not school up here like the do down South and definitely wouldn’t in the surf. How one would put a dilly in the surf also defies logic.

          • Wissendorf says:

            Ferry from River Heads docks on the western side of the island at Wangoolba Creek- http://www.fraserislandferry.com.au/barges/fraser-venture-barge.html – not much of a drive across to the beach and up to the Cape. I’m fishing from the lighthouse south west to Ferguson Spit. I’m not on the surf beach. I’m fishing here because the beach is too rough because of the cyclone whipping up the surf. The flounder, not sole, are abundant and easy to spot with a torch. They aren’t schooling but there’s plenty about. The water on the western side of the island is calm, a good spot for the dillies.

            • Razor says:

              They will be Sole not Flounder. I’ve fished the Sandy Straits most of my life. If you’re using suicide dillies a quick tip, they’re illegal in Qld and I’d say you aren’t originally from Qld because you call them blue crabs not sand crabs. How’s the fire weed going?

              • Wissendorf. says:

                Having fished the Straits that long you may be able to tell me – where have all the whiting gone? My neighbour, a keen local (boat) angler hasn’t seen any for about a month. No-one I’ve talked to on the island has caught any. No nibbles on my baits are telling me whiting. Complete blank. I’ve changed baits, hooks and line but they’re staying away. Got a clue? Too much rain maybe? Got lots of rain on Saturday, and wind. It would blow the enamel off your teeth at present.

                • Razor says:

                  I recently did a week at a spot where we throw any Summer Whiting back under 30cm. The average about 35, with biggest we caught about 5yrs ago at 42cm.

                  It was the last week of Feb with the run up to the full moon. We caught bugger all Whiting with only 1 over 30 and the few we got about 25. I go with three brothers all over 55 whose grandfather introduced them to the straits. Whilst it has been raining over the summer they should have been around still but seem to have disappeared. No rhyme nor reason. Happened about 20yrs ago to me and they were back in force next summer.

        • Penny says:

          Make sure you don’t go over your limit Wiss…..

    • Milton says:

      The blues will have to lift their game in the second half; 27 behind.

      • Jack The Insider says:

        They were poor today. A real set back. Suns may be better than I thought but Blues won the stats but were very poor with their use.

        • Wissendorf says:

          Half the Suns score was off the boot of one player, Tom Lynch. Blues looked tired and dropped a lot of ball. They struggled without Kruezer.

          • Jack The Insider says:

            Well, he was a big loss but the skills just weren’t there. They had plenty of it, one the stats in almost every category besides tackles but butchered the footy. The reason for that is the Suns’ pressure was very good. I had them in the bottom four but coach Dew has got a good squad together playing good footy.

            • Wissendorf says:

              Suns are a different proposition to the soggy band I saw go down to the Blues in the rain at Metricon last year. Losing the GOAT hasn’t hurt them at all.

              • Razor says:

                How’s the reception up there at Sandy Cape Wiss?

                • Wissendorf says:

                  Phone fades in and out, sometimes in just a few metres on the main beach. It’s OK in the area I’m fishing. Patchy from Maheno (where I came onto the main beach) to Indian Head, but my phone is ancient. Radio is OK everywhere. Didn’t bring the telly this trip. Yes use suicide dillies, but only set them at night. Rangers out in force but I’m not sure crabs are in their jurisdiction and I’d rather not find out. I only keep two, no matter how many I catch – the rest go back in the water. I am from Qld, but the Far West. I had never seen the ocean until I went to Sydney to do my apprenticeship. I hadn’t been to Fraser since early 80’s. Far too many tourists now, even over a rainy Easter, but quiet at the Cape. I’ll take a look at Lake Mac on the way home. It’s not far from the ferry landing.

      • Penny says:

        Yeah early days yet,but Essendon played poorly yesterday too. Mind you it’s good to see Freo back, let’s hope we can see more of the bottom teams from last year do well…..except Hawthorn of course

    • Boadicea says:

      We had some great holidays, camping on the beach on Fraser, Wiss. Special place. Lake Wabby, Eli Creek bring back good memories! Enjoy……..

  • Tracy says:

    Just checked the footy tips from last night and had to scroll a fair way down to find you Milton😈

  • Bill Grieve says:

    Pathetic , tears , tears and more tears , there go our million dollar contracts and sponsorships , what are we going to do now ? …
    I’d suggest be at the front door of Centrelink when they open on Tuesday …

  • Trivalve says:

    Happy(?) Easter all. The crucifixion jokes becoming cliched already. The only one that sticks in my mind is Alan Jones’ wonderful ‘crucification’. Such an erudite chap!

    I suffered the Today Show this morning and they played the cynical ‘Oh give them a break’ card whilst endlessly showing the pressers and the Warner family arriving at Sydney. God I hate them, but I won’t become a hermit in my house to avoid them.

    Apparently most of the cricketing world is sending condolences, including Faf (who, it must be said, lists his interests on Twitter thus: ‘*Jesus follower *Father *Husband *Pro cricketer’. (Wonder what he thinks of playing a test on Good Friday?) I reckon that the fallout should be that ball tampering goes up the sin scale to 4 and anyone else who is caught doing it gets the same medicine. Or maybe half of it. Otherwise the severity of this reaction is inexplicable stupendous.

    The level of coverage compared to *anything* else that’s going on in the world right now is, frankly, mystifying.

    • Tracy says:

      I saw the headline in the SMH that the prize dill (look at me, look at me) stephawotsit knows what it’s like to be a father/familyman/whatever and hunted by the press.
      Obviously when brains were being handed out he was the back of the queue, shallow end of gene pool or whatever it takes to earn lots of money at Ch9………gizza job!

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