And so this is Christmas and what have our politicians done? More importantly, have they been naughty or nice?
It’s probably more of a northern hemisphere cultural contrivance that those who have been naughty are destined to receive only a lump of coal for their dastardly deeds in the preceding 364 days.
Down in the southern hemisphere a lump of coal is the only thing Scott Morrison wants for Christmas. In fact, he wants more than one and what Santa can’t provide, he’s hoping Adani can. The downside is it might cost the rest of us a billion dollars and counting. Scott needs some coal for props in the parliament and others to use as paperweights in his office. He will continue to do so until the black lung kicks in.
Santas take many forms. Even in Australia, Santas vary from outrageously jolly with luxurious thick beards to those wearing crappy polyester bristles with the elastic showing, a cushion wedged up their guts and smelling vaguely of alcohol.
In Japan, where just 1 per cent of the population is Christian, they love santa-san and they think he flies down from the moon every year to hand out gifts, which probably makes more sense than the North Pole.
A solid argument could be made that our federal MPs already have their own type of Santa who flies down on his sled from Beijing. This Santa comes in the form of generous businessmen bearing party donations. The really good thing is he comes more than once a year. In fact, pretty much whenever he likes.
My favourite of all Santas is the Amish type, Belsnickel. Belsnickel is a bad-tempered version of Santa. Dressed in rags, he turns up at your home uninvited, bangs on the front door and demands to know if children have been “impish or admirable”. Like George Christensen he carries a whip but unlike George Christensen, he is not afraid to use it.
I’ve always thought our Santa was too soft. Sure he can terrify very small kids by his sheer size and through the shocking ghastliness of his lurid outfit, but the rest of us can sidle up, leap into his lap and make demands without fear of rejection. Our Santa has to listen. Belsnickel, who looks like and really is a kind of an angry, old homeless guy, does all the talking.
So Belsnickel it is for our federal parliamentarians and have they been impish or admirable?
I’ve been checking the list and I’ve been checking it more than once.
For reasons of space, not every MP getting a gift is listed here because let’s face it, most of them aren’t that interesting.
Sam Dastyari: A job.
Tony Abbott: A job and some dignity.
Malcolm Turnbull: What do you give the amorphous blob that has everything? An endoskeleton, of course.
Bill Shorten: He’s not sure but he’s put in a call to the CFMEU to see what they’d want him to have.
Julie Bishop: She does not want Malcolm’s job. He’s performing well under great difficulty. No, she is quite satisfied with being deputy and foreign minister. Really. Wait. How many Newspolls was that again?
Bob Katter: How can we celebrate Christmas when every three months a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in north Queensland?
Pauline Hanson: Just a card, thanks. In fact, lots of cards. Maybe give James Ashby’s printing business a bell?
Kevin Andrews: I hate to be critical of a person’s appearance but let’s be honest about Kevin. The man looks like Fine Cotton on race day. For Christmas he needs a professional colouring job on that bonce of his. Maybe some blonde tips. Maybe the full Milo.
Adam Bandt: A vegan turkey with all the organic trimmings washed down with lashings of decocoanated cocoa.
George Christensen: Malcolm Turnbull’s head on a stake or he’ll resign. He means it this time. He’s not kidding around anymore.
David Feeney: A real estate portfolio, a map and a passport.
Barnaby Joyce: The Deputy PM’s list didn’t pass the High Court. The good news is he makes a perfect Christmas decoration. Just stand him right next to the tree. No batteries required.
Eric Abetz: A 1962 desk calendar for the Tasmanian senator’s desk. It won’t actually be 1962 but he can close his eyes and pretend. Ah, the good old days.
Cory Bernardi: Nothing. The Liberal Party is his gift and it keeps on giving.
Belsnickel is coming, folks, and unlike Santa, he does not mess around.
This article was published in The Australian 15 December 2017
Could someone donate a bs meter to the fourth estate Jack, and another to the Speaker in the HOR? For the Senate they could start an enquiry to decide if one is needed, or at least appropriate the one hidden in Penny Wong’s handbag.
I am in no mood to put up with the beleaguered state of Australian politics. South Australia’s backflip on whether the cost of the dirty diesel generators is a classic example.
I’m with you Lou.
The Bennelong fracas indicated what politics in this country has come to.
Oops, of course I meant to say whether the cost is commercial in confidence because they got such a good deal, or now is ready to be disclosed to the public as it should always have been.
Robocalls today, disguised as community calls, reminding people to vote – and directing them to Labor’s website for info.
How low can you go Bill?
Robocalls need to be banned.
I’m pretty sure Labor are not the only ones who robocall. Howard was the first to do it in this country. It’s perfectly legitimate. Annoying, sure and I doubt it changes a vote but nothing wrong with it.
Not when they are an attempt to deceive naive voters, Jack.
If they start off with “this is from the XYZ party” Well okay . One can choose to listen or hang up.
I think the infamous Mediscare did the same thing in the final days of the last federal election?
It’s a contest sure, but heck, does it have to get so tatty?
Since inception Medicare has been a target of every Liberal government in this country.
It’s death by a thousand cuts to services, claims & bulk-billing since John Howard B & all the ‘spin’ in their tiny brains can’t hide that fact. You know as well as I do that they’re not in the business of transparency. With anything.
What fun to be in the Federal Seat of Bennelong today, Mr Insider as they go to the Polls. What should have been a cakewalk for Alexander with a 10% swing required to oust him now looks to be down to the wire, thanks to hopeless Turnbull. Kristina Keneally has injected a lot of energy into this vote. All good news too is the “fare” on offer as we see a “Bennelong Bruiser $4” and a “Section 44 $6” etc etc. Goodness I would be looking for a “Goodbye Malcolm Sausage Roll $50 cents!”
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-12-16/menu/9264984
Ah well, she can have another go at it in the next federal election, HB.
One gets the feeling that all these dual citizenship by-elections are going to return the sitting member.
A sense of fair play from their electorates.
Well here we are with the end of the year nigh upon us and the Christmas parties never ceasing. I like your list JTI, particularly MT and Eric Abetz. Having said that I do think that although our politicians are very entertaining, I think Malaysian politics is hilarious. Just this week we had the Sultan of Selangor scolding Dr. Mahatir for insulting Prime Minister Najib’s background, when suddenly the Sultans cousin (who lives in Australia ) sent a letter to all Malaysians questioning the Sultans’ devotion to alcohol and dope, his corrupt business dealings and the number of wives he’s had. It was quickly taken down, but thousands of people read it first. Then at the ruling parties big conference every delegate (5,000) was given an embossed Tissot watch supposedly worth RM3000 each. Except it turns out they are fake, brought across the border from Thailand.
If I don’t get to say it closer to the time, because of heavy Christmas party and work commitments, Iwould like to wish you and everybody on this fantastic blog Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Have a great Christmas, Penny.
Did I read recently Mahatir has come out of retirement and teamed up with his old foe Anwar Ibrahim to attempt an ouster of Najib? What on earth? I thought our politics were weird.
I know Wiss, strange tales but true from the legendary past….
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Penny.
I really enjoy your comments so I hope you’ll be here in 2018.
Take care fellow blogger…💚🐾
You too Bella, I do hope your Christmas is a very happy one
Hope you and yours have a fantastic Christmas and great 2018. You worry me sometimes with your anti Malaysian government posts. The authorities don’t play fair in that part of the world so please be careful.
Razor you are right, but rest assured I would never say anything remotely controversial here. They do have however have enough problems with the Department of Justice breathing down their necks to recoup the money that seems to have gone missing from the coffers here. The Malaysian people themselves are making a lot of anti Government statements.
Merry Christmas to you and yours
We need a Trump, Henry or failing that a trompe-l’œil.
Whitewash coming – http://www.startribune.com/freeman-to-activists-no-evidence-to-prosecute-officer-in-justine-damond-shooting/464211313/?om_rid=2045216201&om_mid=65334729
Just awful, Wiss.
Certainly doesn’t look good Wiss.
I read up on Belsnickel. Bels is a corruption of the German word ‘flog’ and Nickel is a hypocorism of Nicholas. He also has a female persona and is sometimes known as the Christmas woman. He often wears dirty dishevilled clothes and wears a mask and has a long tongue. Look for someone who resembles Gene Simmons.
Popular in parts of Germany but most well known from Pennsylvania Dutch country.
Only just saw that Rory O’Donohue of Aunty Jack and other fame, has passed away. Stunned. Too young at 68. Even though you were a Many supporter, vale Rory. 🙁
Manly
Sad thing is almost all of the Aunty Jack shows were taped over at the ABC during an austerity drive. Vale Rory. Farewell Aunty Jack.
Remember they made something called ‘The Off Show’? It was going to be controversial it seems. After the usual advertising, the start time arrived and our ABC played a little jingle where Rory sang “The Off Show – so off, it’s even off the air”. Some other programme then came on. And there was no mention of it ever again. I asked Rory on Twitter a while back if it was ever going to see the light of day but he didn’t answer. I guess you’ve told me where it went.
Even sadder to read, Trivalve that he took his own life. Apparently a supremely fit man, as well as multi-talented, he harboured the hidden illness. From what I gather it is a sad loss of a sweet man to those that were close to him.
Didn’t hear that. Insert bad words here.
Vale Thin Arthur. Very talented man.
Jack, re your flotation device and lack of choice thereoff………could have been worse https://www.teenvogue.com/story/maxi-pad-pool-float
Good lord.
Goodness me. Move over Jay. Tasmania set to become Australia’s wind farm capital and the nation’s biggest renewable energy park with turbines producing 1,000MW of energy capable of powering 500,000 homes.
Happily grazing underneath are 5,000 wagyu beef cattle producing highest quality neat.
BELLA: we need to erect big “Keep to the left unless overtaking” signs for those little endangered orange bellied parrots flying over for the summer 😞
Should have mentioned they’re located off NW Tassie, Robbins Island.
Thought that was a jail in South Africa 😛
Close Triv. That one is Robben Island – where Nelson Mandela spent 25yrs.
They’re actually critically endangered with roughly only 200 left because their habitat is disappearing Boadicea.
Maybe yet another species set to disappear in a few years.
The turbines should clean up 200 odd in no time.
Maybe put a cage around them like fans. Or Dyson can design some without blades? 🙂
Keep them in big aviaries and fly them back and forth for their Sumner holiday via Qantas Triv! Might well be their only chance of survival. They travel through a windy area – good for windfarms – not good news for them, poor little things.
Better to keep burning dirty coal & have our planet burn out? Renewable energy is the way forward Razor whether it’s solar, turbines, wave power or hydro, we need only listen to the science & chuck the LibNats back to the fifties where their dinosaur thinking resides.
If the world goes renewables then so be it Bella. We just need to employ the people who are left without jobs. They will generally be blue collar workers.
I am 100% against wind. They are a blight on our landscape. They look bloody terrible and they kill lots and lots of birds.
I don’t think Razor as arguing against wind turbines here Bella. Just pointing out that the birds could well get cleaned up by them. Which is possible I guess. Lots do.
Against the wind Razor? You should team up with Bob Seger.
Doing their best here Bella to prevent extinction.