And so this is Christmas and what have our politicians done? More importantly, have they been naughty or nice?
It’s probably more of a northern hemisphere cultural contrivance that those who have been naughty are destined to receive only a lump of coal for their dastardly deeds in the preceding 364 days.
Down in the southern hemisphere a lump of coal is the only thing Scott Morrison wants for Christmas. In fact, he wants more than one and what Santa can’t provide, he’s hoping Adani can. The downside is it might cost the rest of us a billion dollars and counting. Scott needs some coal for props in the parliament and others to use as paperweights in his office. He will continue to do so until the black lung kicks in.
Santas take many forms. Even in Australia, Santas vary from outrageously jolly with luxurious thick beards to those wearing crappy polyester bristles with the elastic showing, a cushion wedged up their guts and smelling vaguely of alcohol.
In Japan, where just 1 per cent of the population is Christian, they love santa-san and they think he flies down from the moon every year to hand out gifts, which probably makes more sense than the North Pole.
A solid argument could be made that our federal MPs already have their own type of Santa who flies down on his sled from Beijing. This Santa comes in the form of generous businessmen bearing party donations. The really good thing is he comes more than once a year. In fact, pretty much whenever he likes.
My favourite of all Santas is the Amish type, Belsnickel. Belsnickel is a bad-tempered version of Santa. Dressed in rags, he turns up at your home uninvited, bangs on the front door and demands to know if children have been “impish or admirable”. Like George Christensen he carries a whip but unlike George Christensen, he is not afraid to use it.
I’ve always thought our Santa was too soft. Sure he can terrify very small kids by his sheer size and through the shocking ghastliness of his lurid outfit, but the rest of us can sidle up, leap into his lap and make demands without fear of rejection. Our Santa has to listen. Belsnickel, who looks like and really is a kind of an angry, old homeless guy, does all the talking.
So Belsnickel it is for our federal parliamentarians and have they been impish or admirable?
I’ve been checking the list and I’ve been checking it more than once.
For reasons of space, not every MP getting a gift is listed here because let’s face it, most of them aren’t that interesting.
Sam Dastyari: A job.
Tony Abbott: A job and some dignity.
Malcolm Turnbull: What do you give the amorphous blob that has everything? An endoskeleton, of course.
Bill Shorten: He’s not sure but he’s put in a call to the CFMEU to see what they’d want him to have.
Julie Bishop: She does not want Malcolm’s job. He’s performing well under great difficulty. No, she is quite satisfied with being deputy and foreign minister. Really. Wait. How many Newspolls was that again?
Bob Katter: How can we celebrate Christmas when every three months a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in north Queensland?
Pauline Hanson: Just a card, thanks. In fact, lots of cards. Maybe give James Ashby’s printing business a bell?
Kevin Andrews: I hate to be critical of a person’s appearance but let’s be honest about Kevin. The man looks like Fine Cotton on race day. For Christmas he needs a professional colouring job on that bonce of his. Maybe some blonde tips. Maybe the full Milo.
Adam Bandt: A vegan turkey with all the organic trimmings washed down with lashings of decocoanated cocoa.
George Christensen: Malcolm Turnbull’s head on a stake or he’ll resign. He means it this time. He’s not kidding around anymore.
David Feeney: A real estate portfolio, a map and a passport.
Barnaby Joyce: The Deputy PM’s list didn’t pass the High Court. The good news is he makes a perfect Christmas decoration. Just stand him right next to the tree. No batteries required.
Eric Abetz: A 1962 desk calendar for the Tasmanian senator’s desk. It won’t actually be 1962 but he can close his eyes and pretend. Ah, the good old days.
Cory Bernardi: Nothing. The Liberal Party is his gift and it keeps on giving.
Belsnickel is coming, folks, and unlike Santa, he does not mess around.
This article was published in The Australian 15 December 2017
If it was possible i’d give them all an hour with Percy Grainger. Half an hour for Pyne!!
The whole coalition need a truth serum, oh and integrity by the truck load. the coalition are as reliable as the continually breaking down coal fired generators. They are outdated, in need of replacement and are working in the national interest. No Surprises.
http://reneweconomy.com.au/reliable-baseload-liddell-unit-broken-and-out-for-most-of-summer-10417/
Whilst on a roll:
The Libs have selective amnesia
When it comes to Chinesey palm ‘greasure’
They pilloried Sam
But Robb’s still their man
Don’t bite the right hand if it feeds ya
Gift to us all is Twitter’s new self-threading feature. I love it already.
We can write our own books there, thumbing away on our phones.
As for our resurgent PM, Jack, he’ll be so “pumped” by dinnertime he’ll be at risk of floating away. So much to celebrate.
An extra serving of plum pudding for the voters of Bennelong. They must be exhausted…… 😰
What’s wrong that the folks in Bennelong? They had the best chance to alter the course of the most dysfunctional government in Australia’s history but kept their eyes closed & squibbed it for the rest of us.
Roll on the bonus for corporations, roll on 60 years of free water for dirty coal & Adani annihilation for those generational farmers, etc etc etc til our Reef goes belly-up for the next generation to not have. The fight is just neverending with those ignorant goons still holding on to power.
The voters aren’t exhausted Boadicea, it’s people who fight for a fair go, people who’re fed up with the bs about energy prices & energy sources from the archaic coal-pusher puppets who’ve succeeded in putting one million more families on the breadline this Christmas, they’re the ones exhausted mate. No plum pudding for them hey?
But who really gives a rats in Bennelong right.
Utterly fed-up I am.
Awful lot of families who were tied up in coal mining on the bread line this Christmas in Qld Bella, but won’t matter to you of course. It’s about the theory not the practicality.
The natural environment matters to me Razor.
A new coal mine with 700% less jobs than has been mythically spruiked (fact check) is not the answer especially since they’ll end up fully automated anyway.
Beats me why FNQ won’t take into consideration the jobs of 70,000 working in Reef tourism over backing an outdated facility that the world is turning their backs on & whose owners are facing charges of fraud, corruption, tax evasion & environmental damage.
A massive amount of investor dollars are waiting to back Queensland’s renewable energy projects & the jobs that would create will be far greater than Adani’s timebomb trainwreck.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/2017/04/10/climate-council-decries-massive-adani-mine-as-the-great-barrier_a_22033625/
Exactly who is behind this reckless persuit has Gina R’s name all over & this government is dancing to her dollars as always. 7
silver Spooner Bella? Eh?who knew? Not you Im sure
A certified vegan turkey might be a hard ask while the grasshoppers are about.
You could settle for halal.
No, it has to be a vegan turkey. One presumes for a pet or mascot.
Perhaps Mincepoodle cross for you know whom.
Into the swing of the limericks:
The best Christmas present for Mal
Is a straight sets white-wash for his pal
Thus avoiding the censure
of toxic crossbenchers
And the rabid right-wingers as well
True, but why would you want to?
There is a man called Jack
Who’s wit is a bottomless vat
When he pulls one aside
And to nobodies surprise
The accused resembles a rat
Trivalve created a waste
An unbalanced blend in haste
For all on the fringes
Both indulging in binges
Have equally dubious taste.
Ladies and gentlemen we have a weiner!!!
Very good TV, made me laugh
A whole stocking full of gifts for Bill Shorten – integrity, ethics, morals and a conscience.
He wouldn’t know what to do with them, Triv.
Neither would Turncoat. What he should be finding under his tree would be all four plus a serving of man courage.
Shame on him that he wouldn’t recognise any of it anyways.
Isn’t that Turnbull whose actually introduced SSM. Isn’t that Turnbull who has introduced a workable energy policy that all but the most diehard rent seekers agree with.
Turncoat delayed & genuflected interminably to his far right religious relics then charged the taxpayer 120 million bucks for a divisive poll that could have been voted on for free in the parliament so no, I don’t give him credit for SSM.
A “workable energy policy” Razor??
Mate, if you really think a saving of 50 cents a week per household is good energy policy, well, are you okay?
Renewable subsidies are gone too but you’re probably thinking that should stop the clean energy industry from forging on ahead of the big polluters, but the good news is how Turncoal underestimated the majority of voters who will not forget who he works for & it ain’t Rio Tinto, BHP, Adani or Ms. Rhinehart.
The voters in Bennelong seem quite happy with who he’s working for.
Bella one last question. Why didn’t Julia Gillard introduce SSM?
He should top his list with ‘a voice that doesn’t send people to sleep’.
“Festivus for the Restivus”, almost upon us Mr Insider and I note some wonderful “gifts” there from you for our most undeserving Pollies. What a “lead balloon” of a year we have had in Politics and god help us if we go into 2018 on the same vein. We need some exciting, vibrant new “Polly Star” to emerge but looking through my “Hubble” all I see are dead and dying “Stars”. Still hope springs eternal. I do like the fact Kristina Keneally has re-emerged and I do think win lose or draw on Saturday night we will see more of her in 2018 even if it’s only as a Senator, thanks going to Sam D for that “gift”. Cheers all Merry Christmas and a Fabulous 2018. Thank you for your patience in 2017, Mr Insider and I wish you improved Health in 2018 and beyond.