Australia was created 13.7 billion years ago on an otherwise uneventful Wednesday afternoon.
The Big Bang was crucial to the creation of Australia. It was a pyrotechnic display that left last New Year’s Eve cracker night in Sydney in the shade. Energy levels were produced that would have crushed a lesser universe. Afterwards the universe expanded and cooled while going through various chemical transitions which created matter – the building block of Australia.
No one from Stephen Hawking down can tell you what was going on before the Big Bang. There’s a general muttering from all astrophysicists about gravitational singularity. They do think it was dark. Probably.
No one is quite sure why it went off when it did either. There are some God-botherers among the folk in white coats who talk about a higher power lighting the wick on the thing while others babble about general relativity.
At first Australia started out as part of Africa, South America and the Middle East. Everyone seemed to get on pretty well but fearing a stink was inevitable, Australia politely severed all ties with its neighbours about 500 million years ago, shrugged off Antarctica and headed north where there was a lot of space and some very nice beaches.
The first Australians showed up about 50,000 or so years ago. Back then people used to walk a lot more than they do now. And so it seems they wandered over from South-East Asia. They may have even walked all the way from Africa. Or they could have arrived in taxis. No one is quite sure.
However they managed it, at some point the first Australians caught a glimpse of the jewel in the sea and thought to themselves, “Yes, this’ll do nicely.”
The first Australians eschewed farming after failed attempts to herd wombats but they learned to get a feed out of the place even in the most desolate deserts on earth.
They set fire to a lot of Australia. No one knows whether they did so in sadness or anger. They brought their dogs with them. They may have invented footy.
For the next 40,000 years Australia remained a mystery to all but our indigenous brothers and sisters. It was ignored by cartographers and clod-footed explorers appeared to go out of their way to avoid it.
That all changed in 1606, when Dutchman, Willem Janszoon, sailed south of Papua New Guinea aboard the ship Duyfken, lobbing on Cape York Peninsula.
Clearly no judge of prime real estate, Janszoon looked about and declared, “What a bloody terrible place for a country”, promptly pulled up anchor and sailed off.
In what may have been the greatest real estate debacle of all time, another Dutchman, Abel Tasman, circumnavigated Australia without actually seeing any of it – with the exception of a bit of southern Tasmania, which he mistook for something else. Exhausted and with his teeth falling out from scurvy, he returned to his master, Anthony Van Diemen, the governor-general of the Dutch East Indies. Collapsing at Van Diemen’s feet, Tasman reported, “If Australia’s out there, I’m buggered if I can find it.”
Always quick to leap on an opportunity, the British figured they’d sail up and down the southern oceans looking for Australia until they banged into something that seemed to fit the general description.
When someone did bang into it, that someone was James Cook and that something turned out to be Botany Bay. Cook (he was then a lieutenant and was promoted to captain upon his return to Britain so the rhyming slang would roll off the tongue more easily) liked the look of the place so much he bunged a flag in to the beach and declared: “I hereby proclaim this country in the name of whatever demented, syphilitic madman has assumed the throne since I left the place in what seems a lifetime ago.”
Keeping a look out, the locals replied, “Oh a country? Is that what it is? And here’s us thinking we were living in an existential vortex.” The British, who don’t handle sarcasm well, started shooting.
The Brits were awestruck by the beauty of the landscape and so immediately set Australia up as a prison. Convicts were dispatched to Australia to build the Cahilll Expressway, assemble breweries and place gigantic fibreglass fruits along the eastern seaboard.
Since then Australian history has been a doddle to grasp. Walter Lindrum, Phar Lap and the Don. That’s all you’ll ever need to know about modern Australian history and everyone knows what happened there. The Don got a blob in his last knock, Phar Lap got a hot shot and Walter Lindrum was hounded out of his sport by the rule makers of an arcane parlour game, too up themselves to realise greatness when they saw it.
The important thing to note is that right from the Big Bang, all that fuss was just a lead up to this one moment in time and this particular spot in the universe: Australia in 2014.
If you’re eyes are getting weepy and your knees are trembling now, well that’s only fit and proper. All the work’s been done. Australia has been served up on plate. So go ahead, stick your face in and suck the succulent morsals right up through your nostrils.
You were right Jack, he was matey with Terry the Tramp, who got a big mention in Hunter’s book about the Angels.
https://www.vice.com/en_au/article/9b8qd5/the-trippy-life-of-the-lsd-manufacturer-who-helped-create-the-60s
Off topic for a minute but I’ve been told that the flight from China that was lauded as a PPE ‘gift’ from our trade ‘friends’ was actually an exchange & a pretty disgraceful one considering how insanely difficult it’s been for Australian families to obtain baby formula.
On board China’s return flight was 11,298 tins of Viplus formula and 35,000kgs of Tasmanian Atlantic Salmon.
Could anyone verify this for my son & myself? We had to hunt high & low, many ks outside our own homes, for four weeks during self-isolation to buy my new granddaughter even 1 tin of her food, so this would just top the list of how vile this government really is.
Tasmanians don’t buy the salmon anymore. They’ve seen the pollution from the fish farms first hand ☹
Must say I can’t blame them Boa.
Greed over common sense & the health of consumers.
Didn’t Paleo Pete have a recipe for baby-food made out of carpet fluff, wood chips and lawn clippings or something?
Probably but doesn’t that guy have a ‘paleo’ substitute for everything?
Lives in his own bubble.
It’s a murky business Bella, that’s for sure. I don’t doubt that the baby formula your refer to was on the return flight. But that’s no surprise. Viplus is owned by a handful of individuals via a number of different entities according to fairly recent ASIC listings. They all have names one would usually associate with being Chinese. And the company’s largest export destination representing 80% of their revenue generation is, … you guessed it, China.
Let’s hope that once we finally put this present diabolical covid business to bed our government will do something substantive and meaningful regarding foreign investment, so we don’t end up in situations like you and your son found themselves in. I know the Treasurer has frozen FI for six months but this should only be the start.
Kind regards
Carl
I hope you’re right Carl but their track record thus far has always been to stay on their knees where China is concerned. Changing that would take some real guts to go our own way re manufacturing but no-one in government has the determination to pull that off.
I’d put a permanent stop to the purchase of Australian land, business & housing by China before their attempted take-over becomes a foregone conclusion.
Why have we sold-out to a tyranny who’d never allow us to do the same in their country?
If the first Australians arrived by taxi 50,000 years ago, its a fair chance they used Uber, given the possibility of their still evolving but limited linguistic skills.
And last but not least many thanks to all for the great wishes regarding the forthcoming grandling. I meant to get back sooner but work has been somewhat hectic.
Bella,
From the last article. I must admit things do seem a lot more peaceful. Great to see you are doing well.
Thanks mate. ❤
Vintage Hoysted! Very funny mate. I for one believe Qld winning the 94/95 Sheffield Shield after 68yrs was a milestone. Also old Razors 11 for 56 in the 1985 Brisbane Warehouse comp against Brisbane Hospitals has long been a topic of conversation amongst cricketing notables.
Only put that up because there seemed to be a lot of people bickering about our history. The point is to know it first and then not take it too seriously.
The victors write history mate.
In the last week I’ve sent links to my wife to share with the children she looks after/tutors. They’re very young, attending the best private school up here, but attending online right now. Their teachers didn’t cover the Cook anniversary or ANZAC Day. I thought it was important they knew. And, honestly, her. She has to take a test in a few years.
*lol*. Have to admit, I had to Google Walter Lindrum. Other than that, all good. But it’s not enough to get you through the citizenship test: https://immi.homeaffairs.gov.au/citizenship/test-and-interview/prepare-for-test/practice-test
And yes, I got them all right.
Sorry but not knowing who Walter Lindrum was is one strike Dwight. With our current immigration arrangements one more and you’ll be spending next Christmas under Old Glory whether intentional or not! 🤣
You had to google Walter Lindrum Dwight? Shame on you, wasn’t it a question on the citizenship test? He’s our Babe Ruth, or Yogi Whatshisname!
Jack, Wally Grout should have got a small mention, otherwise what would one say when it is one’s turn to buy a round?
Oh, what about Harold Holt?
My citizenship test was a single question. I got down to the local office on the appointed day, and the woman I met pulled up my file on the computer, and the latest information had not been entered. So she asked, “What are your responsibilities as a citizen?” That was it. She finished the data entry and asked me when I wanted to attend the ceremony. Already knew who Bradman was, so I was set.
A timely rerun. Ya gotta larf.
Bloody cold here this morning TBLS. It must like the Nth Pole where you are. Try uncle Razors old storative for icy conditions. A mug of Bonox with a liberal dose of Bundy rum. Then repeat until you no longer feel the cold. It’s never failed me.
My late crop of pumpkins has mostly bought the farm from frost, unfortunately. Only got about two-thirds the firewood in that I need for winter and the high ground where I cut is now covered in snow. Wallet rapidly emptying from buying Guinness at the hotel – even with the staff discount I’m paying more than twice what Dan Murphy charges. I feel here I should say something about my truck broke down, my dog died and my girl dun run away and break out the gee-tar.
Isn’t Bonox that astoundingly rich Irish bloke who pesters poor Africans?
Now that post TBLS was very funny….
A brilliant piece. Jack has summarised the history of the universe, including the foundation of Oz into a several pictorial, concise paragraphs. Few mortals could cram 14billion years into such a small space and paint a picture as to how we all came to be. I must keep this for my brats!
I thought JTI’s no mention of South Sydney May have had you inquiring Bassy.
I am still crying about all of the money spent on Unilateral (Mitchell) In 2 games he handled the ball about 6 times. We could have bought a couple of players for the money spent on him. Also Bennett is playing him out of position. He should be in the centres. Another Inglis story. A fortune spent on him and his glass knee who was injured more oft than not Bald. Shades of brilliance but never there enough.
I agree Bassy Latrell has never lived up to what he promised when he started. It’s pretty simple. They have him figured out.
Phar Lap was overrated, But he made some bonza Salami !
Phar Lap? Overrated? Give yersel’ an upercut!